Just Bag My Groceries, Moron

"Paper or plastic, sir?"

I did a double-take when the bagboy said this... because he was former Miami Dolphins "head coach" Dave Wannstedt!

"Dave Wannstedt?" I said. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm, uh, working," he said, sheepishly. "Uh, paper or plastic?"

"Plastic," I said. "But seriously. Why are you here? I thought you were 'coaching' at the Pitt?"

"Uh, yeah, I was. But they, uh, they fired me."

"When?"

"Yesterday."

"Why?"

"Uh, they read about how current Dolphins Head Coach Nick Saban got the world's most monstrous, terrifying, explosive quarterback, Daunte Culpepper, for a second round draft pick."

"What? Why would a college fire you because an NFL head coach was able to get a franchise QB for a song?"

"Because, uh, when I was 'head coach' of the Dolphins, I used a second round draft pick to get, uh, A.J. Feeley. Who was a, uh, second- or third-string QB for Philly at the time. And, uh, hadn't even played a full season."

"Eww. Ur... wow."

"Yeah. So the Dean pulled me into his office and fired me, saying he didn't want an idiot as big as me anywhere near his school."

"Well, I can certainly understand that," I said, laughing. But as it turned out, the laugh was on me; Wannstedt was just as bad at bagging groceries as he was at coaching football, leaving me with squished bread, broken eggs and food that tasted like bleach and chemicals.

What a tool.