Bigger Than Daddy

Hey, I'm back again. Two posts in one night, huh? I wonder if that's some kind of blogging record. No matter, 'cause poppa's got a joke for you. Here goes.

So Dick Cheney and the Bush Twins, Barbara and Jenna, are going at it in the White House pantry. We're talking full-on porno sex, with Cheney sticking it to Jenna something fierce, and Babs giving her daddy's V.P. the rim job of his life.

Finally, Jenna can't take no more, and in the heat of the moment she bellows, "Oh my god, Uncle Dick! You're so much bigger than daddy! So much bigger than daddy!!"

Then Barbara pokes her head out from between Cheney's buttcheeks and giggles -- "And your asshole tastes a lot better, too!!!"

Ha ha ha! Get it? It means they've had sex with their dad, President George W. Bush! Analingus, too! Man, now that's funny!

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p.s. I can't take credit for that joke. It's an old Watergate-era piece, originally starring Trish or Julie Nixon, along with G. Gordon Liddy. I am, however, the one who updated it, put both daughters in the same room, and added some ass-eating. No aging hippie is getting credit for that, amigos.

p.p.s. It should also be noted that I wouldn't normally tell a joke like this about a Republican President -- hell, I once put a schoolmate in the hospital when he told me the original Nixon version. But that Bush is no Republican. He's a goddamn Jesus-crazed, spend-happy lunatic, and he frightens me to death.

Homeless People Are Filthy, Disgusting

Okay. I was walking down the street earlier today, enjoying a cruller and minding my own business, when this dirty, smelly bum cuts in front of me.

"Hey buddy," he said. "Y'got anah spare change?"

"Hell no," I said. Which was a lie; I had loads in my right front pocket, and jingled it loudly as we talked. "What do I look like, UNICEF?"

"No," he admitted.

"Damn straight. You want some cheese from me, you gotta work for it. Comprende? You got any skills?"

"Uh..." he said, scratching his head. Then the ol' light bulb flicked on. "Wait, I know! Big Steve down at the shelter says I'm real good at sucking cock. Whaddya say?"

"What do I--?!?" I gasped in disgust. "I say get out of my sight, you worthless piece of shit!"

I gave him a solid kick in the ass for emphasis, and the crusty old bastard stumbled off to whatever oblivion awaits him. Then I felt bad, so I picked up a whore and paid her with the change the bum had wanted. Why? Because I'm all about watching after my karma, baby.

I'm Glad I'm Not A Bald Chick

Here's the thing. I'm at work today -- a highly classified line of work, might I add -- when this older broad gets on the elevator. And by older, I mean much older. A real mummy, you know? And the topper? Bald. That's right, completely bald. Yuck.

So I say to myself -- and by that, I mean said out loud -- "Self, even if we go completely bald in our lifetime, we will never be a bald woman. Thank christ."

Long story short, the lady burst into tears, mumbling something about chemotherapy or some shit, and I had a good chuckle. Hey, what can I say? You gotta smell the roses where you find 'em, folks.