Comic Books Are Strictly For Children & Retards

Yeah, so I just heard on the news that today is -- get this -- "Free Comic Book Day." Meaning, if you can bring yourself to walk into a comic book store, you'll get some free comics. Which appeals to me just as much as "Free Herpes Day," "Free Kick In The 'Nads Day," etc.

Why? Because I'm no longer six-years-old. Sorry, but 32 pages of badly drawn, badly developed characters aren't enough to captivate me as an adult. Especially when the vast majority of said characters are male underwear fetishists beating the crap out of each other. Yeah, yeah, I know all about you clinically depressed bastards churning out so-called comics about your own miserable little lifes and other "real world" scenarios. But that's like offering caviar-and-shit-flavored bubble gum as an alternative to grape.

In other words, there's no shame in creating entertainment for children. There is, however, great shame in hijacking a form of entertainment designed for children and using it to make faux literature for slacker adults who should be doing better things with their time. That's not my opinion, that's fact.

So, I heartily encourage all the kids in the audience to run down to their local comic book dealer and get some free Archies or what have you. But if you're a grown-up with plans on taking part in the festivities, do yourself and society a favor and spend the day reading a real book instead. Might I recommend Nancy Manahan & Rosemary Curb's Lesbian Nuns: Breaking Silence? Unlike you, it's a proven winner.