Brian Johnson Has No Business Being In AC/DC

Well, that was a shock. I was down at the mall this afternoon, buying a new gun. Plus, I got a few slices of Sbarro from the food court. Okay, I won't lie to you; I ate an entire pie. So what? Like you wouldn't if you had my wealth and stamina.

But look, that's not even the point. The point is, as I was leaving the mall I walked past one of those gay men's clothing stores that are so popular these days, and who should come walking out with bags full of gay men's clothes than current AC/DC lead singer Brian Johnson.

"Brian Johnson?" I said in surprise. "Why are you shopping at a gay men's store?"

"Wha-what?" he said in that trademark whiny growl of his. "Naw man, I'm all about the ladies! Sink the pink! Givin' the dog a bone, you know?"

I rolled my eyes. "First of all, I didn't say anything about your sexual orientation. Secondly, I don't care."

"You better not, or there's gonna be some bedlam in Belgium! 'Cause I ain't gay! I only inject the venom into the ladies, man!"

"Whatever. What I asked was, why is the lead singer of the world's greatest rock 'n' roll band buying clothes at a gay men's store? Shouldn't you be wearing leather pants, jean jackets and the like?"

"Yeah, well, maybe," he said. "But me and the boys are getting ready to go into the studio for a new album, see? And I got some ideas -- big ideas! I'm talking fat women backup singers, horns, maybe some disco beats... the works! Whaddya think?"

"I think that's the stupidest damn idea I've heard all week. And I hear plenty of stupid ideas. Besides, what the hell does that have to do with shopping at a gay men's store?"

"Nothing," he said, then pointed over my shoulder. "Whoa, shake a leg! Jessica Alba's sucking that guy off! He's really givin' her a stiff upper lip!"

Though I knew it was a ploy, I couldn't resist looking. After all, had Alba really been performing oral sex right behind me, and I'd not looked, I never would've forgiven myself. But she wasn't, and by the time I turned back around Johnson was gone.

I don't know what Angus and Malcolm were thinking when they hired that guy. He's no Bon Scott, that's for sure.