There Goes The Neighborhood

Can you believe this? A goddamn middle class family moved in down the street. Middle class! They inherited the house from Yule Umlaut, who made his fortune in steel. Having no heirs, Yule deeded the majority of his estate to the G.O.P., the National Rifle Association, and various militias. But in an odd fit of generosity, he left his gorgeous mansion to his very middle class personal secretary and her family. Lucky me.

Don't get me wrong; I hate the middle class. Absolutely despise them. They're dirty, uneducated, have horrible taste, and invariably smell bad. But they are good for two things: being easily duped on election day, and a willingness to work their entire lives for men like me, only to wind up with nothing while I retire on the lap of luxury.

I'll tell you one thing, though -- those middle class kids are the spitting image of Yule, mustache and all. No wonder he gave them his house. Yule always was a big softie.