If There's One Thing I Hate, It's My Family

Yeah, yeah, so I haven't updated in over a week. So what.

In case you hadn't noticed, the country went to hell in a hand basket last Tuesday. As a result, I've had bigger things on my mind. Like the hit my lifestyle's going to take once the democrats get their goddamn tax machines up and running. Or how I'm going to hold onto all my cheap labor after they re-tighten their regulatory screws. I mean, shit, do you have any idea what it costs to hire an American houseboy? Plenty, that's what.

As if that wasn't misery enough, today I got a telegram from my brother Roderick, reminding me that it's my turn to host Thanksgiving. He says he'll be here Wednesday night. Plus, he's bringing his cunt wife and their shit-eating kids. And, oh yeah, mother.

So there goes my weekend. Here's hoping your's will be just as shitty.

That's What I Call Shrewd Corporate Synergy

He may be the first Republican president in history for whom I wouldn't take a bullet, but I gotta hand it to Dubya -- he knows how to pull the strings. Or at least, he's just smart enough to let Cheney and Rove pull the strings for him. Take their latest coup: the announcement of Saddam Hussein's long-awaited death sentence, just two days before our hotly contested mid-term elections.

Frankly, I couldn't have planned it better myself. Unless they don't arrange to have Hussein hung tomorrow evening on live national prime time television, which is how I would play it. Ha! Those stupid democrats wouldn't know what hit them come Tuesday. They'd probably all turn to cannibalism and hard drugs by three o'clock in the afternoon, pissing their pants in shame as we proud Republicans whipped them down Main Street for being the whiny little shits that they are.

Alright, I'm outta here. Me and some of the boys from the office are going to drive through poor neighborhoods, so we can post fliers reminding the residents to come out and vote on Wednesday, November 8. Sure it's an old trick. We'll stop using it as soon as it stops A) working and B) pissing off the liberal media. In other words, no time soon.

I May Never Go To Vegas Again

All right, I'll admit it: I like to romp in Vegas. Who doesn't? You'd be crazy not to, what with the non-stop gambling, drinking, eating, puking and more drinking & eating. And whores. And, yes, Vegas' "anything goes" attitude is exactly what makes that kind of action possible... but they're anything will have gone way too far if this reprehensible initiative becomes law.

Letting people legally buy marijuana? Why not let kids buy crack and heroin in the school cafeteria while you're at it? Next thing you know, they'll be marrying homosexuals, letting servants use the front entrance and all other sorts of nefarious business that Mssrs. Sinatra, Martin, Bishop, Lawford and... and... and that dark-skinned fellow never would've allowed back when they ruled Vegas. No sir.

That's it, I'm off to draft a very angry letter to my congressman. Maybe even my senators while I'm at it. I realize they have no influence over Nevada's voters, but goddammit, if I don't speak up now, who'll speak for me when the beatniks try to take over my state?

I Love Me Some Abraham Lincoln

Seriously though, has there ever been a cooler President? Reunited the country by force, stood taller than Shaq, sported that crazy Dr. Zaius beard, wrote the Gettysburg Address -- my man was a stone cold thriller, through and through.

Plus, who can forget the time he teamed up with Kirk and Spock on that Star Trek rerun? Or his pivotal role in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure? Anyone who says they can is a filthy goddamn liar, and I might just punch them in the mouth if they're not careful. And though many dead Presidents have national monuments, his is the only one that looks like the honoree. What does that tell you, hmm?

It tells you Abe rules, all others drool. And no, I haven't been into my Oxy stash. Even if I have, so what? It's a free country. Or, as Mr. Lincoln once put it: "Be excellent to each other. And... party on, dudes!"

Sage words from a sage man. OZ-1, out.

There Goes The Neighborhood

Can you believe this? A goddamn middle class family moved in down the street. Middle class! They inherited the house from Yule Umlaut, who made his fortune in steel. Having no heirs, Yule deeded the majority of his estate to the G.O.P., the National Rifle Association, and various militias. But in an odd fit of generosity, he left his gorgeous mansion to his very middle class personal secretary and her family. Lucky me.

Don't get me wrong; I hate the middle class. Absolutely despise them. They're dirty, uneducated, have horrible taste, and invariably smell bad. But they are good for two things: being easily duped on election day, and a willingness to work their entire lives for men like me, only to wind up with nothing while I retire on the lap of luxury.

I'll tell you one thing, though -- those middle class kids are the spitting image of Yule, mustache and all. No wonder he gave them his house. Yule always was a big softie.

Al Gore Doesn't Know The Score

What is this nonsense? This "Al Gore has a new movie about his environmental slideshow presentation, and everyone's getting all excited about it" business, hmm? We're talking about the same Al Gore, right? Tall guy? Looks kind of like a chubby Jeff Goldblum? Lost the 2000 election to the current dipshit in office, and was second fiddle to the most morally bankrupt president of the 20th century?

Okay. Just wanted to be clear. I'm a little woozy, what with all the Oxys I've been munching lately. Thought I might have missed something. Now that I'm sure we're on the same page, here's a newsflash: unless you want our economy to tank, and see that tree-hugging pinhead in the Oval Office, I'd strongly advise against listening to whatever crazy bullshit Gore goes on about in his goofy little documentary.

I mean, shit. We could spend trillions, regulate the hell out of the industrial sector, and maybe make the planet a little cleaner. Why bother? Human beings have proven time and time again that we're very skilled at adapting to different environments. If it allows me to keep the lifestyle and earnings to which I'm accustomed, I'm more than willing to deal with an endless burning desert. As should you.

Hands Off My Mexicans

I tell you. As a lifelong Republican and former Nixon Youth, I never imagined I'd find myself cursing out a G.O.P. President. Yet I do it every single time George "Shit-Eyes" Bush addresses the nation. Tonight was no exception.

"In Washington, the debate over immigration reform has reached a time of decision," his speechwriters tell us. Bush's decision? Wasting even more tax dollars by using the National Guard as border patrol. The same National Guard that signed up for "just one weekend a month," only to wind up serving as target practice for crazed Islamic jihadists in Afghanistan and Iraq for the past 3 or 4 years. On behalf of National Guardsmen everywhere, I call bullshit on that.

More importantly, if we don't let in any new Mexicans, where am I going to get more gardeners, maids and cooks to the replace the ones who quit over alleged mental and physical abuse? I don't abuse them, of course. They just say I do, then quit and try to sue me. Whatever.

Bottom line, I'm constantly in need of fresh Mexicans and don't need Bush cutting off my supply. That, and life would be much easier if social workers didn't believe every crazy abuse story they hear from some dirty immigrant.

Daylight Savings Time Can Kiss My Ass

More like Daylight Bullshit Time if you ask me. This whole scam would actually make sense if they did it in winter, so it wouldn't be pitch black by 4:45 in the afternoon. No. They have to do it during summer, so we can all enjoy blinding daylight until nearly 10 o'clock at night. Thanks again, Congress.

The fact is, D.S.T. is just institutionalized chicanery designed to make us shop longer and drive more during the temperate summer months. Who profits? Big oil and city businessmen, of course. Look it up online if you're so inclined. I'd provide some links but I can't be bothered; I've got watermelon to eat and Slip 'n' Slides to master.

Come Back C.C.C.P., I Miss You

Remember the Soviet Union? That cool hammer-and-sickle flag? And the uniforms? Not to mention their nuclear capabilities. That's what I call an appropriate enemy for the good ol' U.S. of A.

Not like these goddamn Islamic terrorists. Just a bunch of bearded nuts living in caves, blowing the shit out of school busses and whatnot. They don't even have their own country, for christ's sake -- they're homeless! And Osama bin Laden? Well, let's just say he's no Josef Stalin and leave it at that.

We should see about bringing the Russkies back. I bet Vladimir Putin would be up for it. Glasnost never would've happened under his watch, that's for sure.

Bigger Than Daddy

Hey, I'm back again. Two posts in one night, huh? I wonder if that's some kind of blogging record. No matter, 'cause poppa's got a joke for you. Here goes.

So Dick Cheney and the Bush Twins, Barbara and Jenna, are going at it in the White House pantry. We're talking full-on porno sex, with Cheney sticking it to Jenna something fierce, and Babs giving her daddy's V.P. the rim job of his life.

Finally, Jenna can't take no more, and in the heat of the moment she bellows, "Oh my god, Uncle Dick! You're so much bigger than daddy! So much bigger than daddy!!"

Then Barbara pokes her head out from between Cheney's buttcheeks and giggles -- "And your asshole tastes a lot better, too!!!"

Ha ha ha! Get it? It means they've had sex with their dad, President George W. Bush! Analingus, too! Man, now that's funny!

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p.s. I can't take credit for that joke. It's an old Watergate-era piece, originally starring Trish or Julie Nixon, along with G. Gordon Liddy. I am, however, the one who updated it, put both daughters in the same room, and added some ass-eating. No aging hippie is getting credit for that, amigos.

p.p.s. It should also be noted that I wouldn't normally tell a joke like this about a Republican President -- hell, I once put a schoolmate in the hospital when he told me the original Nixon version. But that Bush is no Republican. He's a goddamn Jesus-crazed, spend-happy lunatic, and he frightens me to death.